Johanna Ellersdorfer reading ‘That Difficult Austrian Language’

Deutsch ist schwer. It weighs on my chest like cases and declension, an incomplete puzzle that was fast meine Muttersprache; compound words like small sentences and separable verbs that split and frame clauses as meaning slowly unfolds. Diese Sprache ist kein Zuckerschlecken, I tell myself, but this language can be learnt. The first time I visited Austria, die Heimat meines Vaters, I cried at the airport and couldn’t remember how to conjugate verbs. After six weeks of stumbling conversations, my broken language slowly coalesced into simple sentences as I drank tea with Oma. I carried a small notebook full of words I didn’t understand or ideas die ich nicht übersetzen konnte. By the end of six weeks I was understanding, nicht alles, aber genug, oder?

The phone line crackles and my Oma says to me, Deutsch ist schwer für dich. It is a statement and not a question. I silently acknowledge the impulse to deny it, but yes, stimmt, German is hard for me. It sounds so very familiar, but feels much more natural mit Englisch gemischt. The fuzz of white noise down the phone line lends me time to pause as streetlights flicker on and I hear the hum of traffic outside. Peak hour in Sydney. I imagine Oma standing, bent over by the phone that sits on the wooden sideboard im Wohnzimmer, light flooding the house through large windows that look out over an alpine landscape, the village nestled in the valley. A small knot of winding cobbled streets eight hours behind.

Australien, she says, ist so weit weg, and I think weit weg or weit entfernt, but I am probably missing the point because she sounds wistful, so I say, Österreich ist von Australien auch weit weg, which makes her laugh. She asks me if I am eating meat twice a week. I avoid the question, even though I know the word Vegetarierin. She asks me this every time we talk, along with telling me my Deutsch ist noch klar and that if I can’t practice speaking I should read aloud and I say, danke Oma, ich werde das machen, and I mean to but I don’t.

The last time I visited Austria, my Oma gave me a picture of the Virgin Mary, die heilige Maria. She cut it from a small album of icons that she keeps in a kitchen drawer, leaving the plastic sleeve intact. Schau wie traurig sie ist, and I said, sie weiß was kommt. Outside the kitchen window, contrails sliced the sky, slowly smearing, then dissipating, as planes flew over the Koralpe. We sat together at her kitchen table, the linoleum surface cold and hard under my arms. I asked how to say contrail auf Deutsch. She closed her eyes and smiled, her forehead in her hand, trying to remember. Kondensstreifen, she finally said, and I repeated as we watched the sky.

Glossary

Deutsch ist schwer: German is difficult

fast meine Muttersprache: almost my mother tongue

Diese Sprache ist kein Zuckerschlecken: This language is no walk in the park

die Heimat meines Vaters: my father’s homeland

Oma: Grandma

die ich nicht übersetzen konnte: that I wasn’t able to translate

nicht alles, aber genug, oder?: not everything, but enough, right?

Deutsch ist schwer für dich: German is difficult for you

Stimmt: correct

mit Englisch gemischt: mixed with English

im Wohnzimmer: in the lounge room

Australien: Australia

ist so weit weg: is so far away

weit weg: far away

weit entfernt: far from

Österreich ist von Australien auch weit weg: Austria is also far away from Australia

Vegetarierin: vegetarian

Deutsch ist noch klar: [your/my] German is still clear

danke Oma, ich werde das machen: thank you Grandma, I will do that

die heilige Maria: the Virgin Mary

schau wie traurig sie ist: look how sad she is

sie weiß was kommt: she knows what’s coming

Koralpe: a mountain range in southern Austria

auf Deutsch: in German

Kondensstreifen: contrails

Johanna Ellersdorfer is an Australian writer with Austrian, Croatian and Macedonian heritage. Her work has been published in anthologies by Spineless Wonders and Quiet Corner and she was the recipient of a Janet O'Connor Scholarship in Creative Writing at the University of Sydney.